Costume Party at Olympics

Here's why American figure skater Johnny Weir placed no higher than sixth at the Olympics earlier this week.

It was that ridiculous costume. It's my theory that the judges were repulsed by his silly peek-a-boo outfit. Where would you get such a garment? What kind of store would stock such a thing?

It takes a team to produce an Olympic figure skater. There's the skating coach, music director, choreographer, makeup artist and costume designer. They've got somebody to powder their noses and paint on their skin-tight pants. The number one coach, however, is the one who sits next to them when the scores are announced. In Johnny Weir's case that person is a large Russian woman who, I suspect, is a double agent. When she put her imprimatur on Johnny's little outfit, she doomed his pursuit of a medal. Russia never has been known for its fashion, unless you're a fan of bearskin overcoats.

Euphemistically Speaking

The waiter said that what made the cut of meat so desirable was its "marbling," a euphemism for fat. It was full of fat.

"That gives the meat its flavor," he said. They always say that.

That's a lot of baloney if you ask me. The food industry has made baloney a high art form. If you're a dog or any other carnivorous animal, you love fat. If you're a human being, you cut it off.

I can't stand fat and I'm not alone. My favorite cut of meat is tenderloin -- filet mignon. It has no fat.

But the food magnates are always trying to get us to eat the parts that should be thrown away. Take chicken wings, for instance. That always was the part of the bird that went in the garbage can. Now, through the magic of spices and marketing, wings are a delicacy. Go ahead. Gulp them down. They're pure chicken fat.

So when you're dead and they do the autopsy, don't be surprised when they say, "I don't understand why he had the heart attack. His arteries were so well marbled."

This article reprinted from CoughlinUnplugged.com, through a partnership between Dan Coughlin and The Cleveland Leader. To read more of his writing, visit his website.